Running out of reasons to sleep.

I need structure. I need deadlines. I need more than all this fucking free time. I can’t function. I’m so lazy. So lazy. So lazy. I get up at 11 o’clock every day just to watch The View. Like seriously, that’s the only thing I have to look forward to in the morning. The View. The fucking View. Well today was different because of the big Obama Celebration, which was truly something to watch. Although 24 hours of non-stop Obama is a bit much, I mean playing the same sound bites over and over and over and over and over and over, can be more than one human being handle. With this said, I still watched every second.  I loved it. I loved them. I feel like they should have another baby and it would just be magically 22 and me and not mixed with white. Sasha and Malia would love me as a big brother, and granny would be my best friend. We could drink gin and play spades. Papa B could get me tickets to all the big sporting events (if I liked sports). Mama Michele could read my bed time stories and help me with my financial planning and I could go to an Ivy League school. Yeah. I like that idea. So God, if you’re reading…. Ummm… hop on that, like ASAP.

 

Yeah…what was I talking about????

 

Right, I need something to do. I need school. I can’t deal with this. I work better when I have stuff to do. It’s hard to procrastinate when there is nothing else you should be doing. I’ve tried finding a job, but I feel like I’m to qualified to flip burgers and shit, and I really don’t want to. I want a nice comfy office job. I don’t even have to like it. I just want to make a decent salary, find some local friends, and join a club (or something). I should buy a gym membership but, that requires money that I just don’t have.  I wish life was like Juno (the movie) all witty and folk music. That would be nice.

 

No really, does anyone have a life that they are not using? I can’t be one of those people who get trapped in their parent’s basements and never leave. It’s not what I’m breathing for.

 

Can someone give me a deadline? I work well under pressure.

FUCK I MISS SCHOOL! Seriously, I want to become a professional student. Is that possible? Its either that or finding a way to get adopted by the Obama’s. Hell, I’ll take the Palin’s. (haha fuck that, I don’t eat moose meat. )

 

Save me from myself,

 

KD

Ramble: Because my body aches and I came to work anyway

I don’t feel good. These kids are being extra loud, my neck hurts, there is some thick phlegm shit stuck in the back my throat, and I just want to go home and crawl in bed. I can’t. It sucks. I’m trying to drug myself up, but I’m scared to take anything that may make me too drowsy and fall asleep on the bus, and wake up anywhere besides home. I wish I had a car. Scratch that. Today would be a horrible day for me to try and drive. I can barely make it up these mazes of steps and door ways here at work; traffic is much more difficult.

This is just not a good day. I hate being sick. I that the thought of being sick. I’m such a big baby. I just want my mommy to make me some soup and bring me orange juice with a flexi-straw.

Why won’t these kids shut the hell up!!! Why??? I hope this sickness doesn’t come with a sore throat. I hope it’s gone by Monday. I can’t let this sickness rob me of my big “Fuck you, I’m quitting speech.” I’ve planned it since day three, every since I found out Teaching Assistant meant I would be trapped in this hell because of the damn recession and my lack of a degree.

Who turned the lights up so high? Yesterday you couldn’t pay for an ounce of sunshine; today every single beam seems to be aimed directly in my eyes penetrating the part of my brain that cause a cacophony of ringing noises, that I can only call chaos.

Why me?

Where is my mother, a bowl of chicken noodle soup and darkness and silence? That would make my day so much better. I knew it was going to be horrible when I over slept by a half an hour. I should have stayed in bed. I’m always ignoring the important signals.

There are a 1000 people texting me and are angry that my responses are short un-humorous. I can’t help it. I just don’t feel like me. Lie. I do feel like me, just a me who got ran over by a tractor trailed and infected with the bird flu, but I haven’t eaten chicken in days, and that has no real relevance to what I’m talking about now. Someone save me from me. Save me from whatever sick is resting in the pit of my belly. Tell me that this is not some anxiety ridden disease that has chosen to manifest itself in the form of insomnia and cold symptoms.

I promise, I’ll be better and less anxious and lethargic come the New Years, I have it all mapped out, including my red white and blue skinny tie.

I know I’m rambling, but I can’t sleep like I want to

So, I’ll type until the pain stops, or the medicine kicks in, or its time for me to go home. 

Some people look hotter when they suffer,
KD

Epiphany

There is something missing.

 

I can’t put my finger on what it is. When I find it, it will be a great epiphany unlike any this soul has seen before. This epiphany I am searching for, I hope it will be stuffed full of sleeping nights and creativity and love and peace of mind. I pray that this epiphany comes in the form of a large sum of money or, a job that doesn’t require uniforms and handing leaking packages of meat. I pray this epiphany comes in the from of a book full of imagination and ideas and colors. I pray that this epiphany comes somewhere between 11:59 and insomnia, and rock-a-bye babies me into a peace. A deep sleep, something like death only a little more breathing. I pray this epiphany arrives before the changing of the leaves. I pray that I am freed of this longing to find this epiphany that I secretly search for in songs, movies, and slightly awkward traffic lights. I hope Im freed of it before I’m told to cold to  celebrate independence. Is that to much to ask for?

 

 I just want a thought that I own and can can sign with my soul. I pray that this epiphany shows itself in the form of a new start. Singing loudly at the top of its little lungs, forcing me to open my eyes and witness life for the first time. Maybe this epiphany is religion. Maybe not.

 

My mother has this habit of reading the bible in the bathroom. She always forgets to put it up when she leaves. Blame it on the old age. Still, each time I discover it, I pick it up and skim to see if somew where between the red and blakc letters is the epiphany I’ve been looking/waiting for. Most of the time its not, but somehow gives me just enough faith to smile and see the bright side of the world.

 

Im still waiting on my epiphany.

 

 

 

 

A slave to 4 am,

 

 

KD

 

Wide awake at 3 am(Slicker Than Your Average)

I haven’t been to sleep before 5 am in almost 2 weeks. Tonight I tried to make a conscious effort not to be up this late seeing as its the holiday and all. I guess we celebrate the Memorial Day. I know we put a flag on my grandfathers grave (to be honest I just found that out today). For me it usually means another unwanted family gathering. This year there won’t be.

I got my stimulus check from the gov’t. A whole $300 dollars to remind me that I am broke. I’m not complaining. Even thought I owed my mom half right off the top and the 60 that I owe to the saint. I guess in all things are starting to look up. Now if I could only find a job that would be amazing! Im going to stop being stubborn and call the grocery store. i know its not my dream job but it will pay the bills.

I need to call my dad. I should of done it yesterday when it was free. I’ll call eventually. Probably tomorrow. Its the holiday. I feel bad for not celebrating the holiday. Slightly un-American, but the check I cashed had lady liberty on it. That was kind of American.

Its 330 now. and I’m going to play a word association game with myself. Here we go.

Orange

loud

laughter

teeth

horses

peanut butter

apples

white

snow

pee

ammonia

cats

Chinese

general tso’s

red

hypnosis

left

forgotten

sanity

bubble wrap

stair cases

foil

soap

angels

outfield

flies

zippers

close

doors

closets

secretes

truth

deception

religion

mustard seed

calories

Atkins

baggy

bad breath

all that

Sunday

planters nuts

peach flowers

hair grease

polka dots

row homes

curse words

fire crackers

bird food

alka seltzer

car fire

dust

shed

monkeys

fights

lips

water fountains

grant hill

Redding middle

delorenzo

wizard of oz

broken television

string beans and corn

unwanted visitors

chocolate milk

lactose intolerant

first grade

cheating

Sparks

cow boy boots

gumby

cassette player

Nintendo

sleep over

scrabble

scrapple

wrestling

undertaker

death

purple

prince

skinny

baby

abortion

unplanned

vacation

stranded

night clubs

bar

ABC

cubic zirconium

old navy

vans

checkers

Baltimore

cheesecake

cherries

sundaes

spoiled mile

cows

skim

shit

chemistry

stretch Armstrong

gangly

rejection

ugly

curve

hip

shoulder

poetry

ink

confusion

beauty

flawed

track ball

cash

compulsive

credit cards

lil wayne

dark

Vegas

rats

hookers

txt messages

sex

crack house

condoms

voyeurism

porn

history

eagles

super stars

gypsies

deconstruction

project runway

weirdoes

Kara Saun

leather

bacon

rolls

paper towels

fight club

national geographic

titties

African

jungle

ivory

pearls

silver

Kirk Franklin

brain damage

tumors

cancer

cervix

hospitals

33

Jim Carey

grinch that stole Christmas

silent night

presents

greed

ring tones

party

natural ice

kiddie pool

digital camera

flash

gas station

Latin American

omelets

tequila

colors

London

hills

port

river front

 water

drown

sleep

insomnia

vampire

blade

black

silence

fan blade

on demand

sex and the city

blackberry

ok Im done. its 3:51 now. There was no real point to that. Its just more constructive that me sitting here in the dark pretending that Im going to sleep. Im still not tired. I miss cookout. I think that would be the answer to all my prayers. Fucking Hush puppies and a mint chocolate chip milkshake. maybe not? wont know till August.

Im done now,

 

KD

 

Would-Be Killer…

This is the wrong time of year for me to start being lazy. I don’t understand it! I want to go to class and succeed. I just can’t find the strength to get out of bed. I can’t tell you the last time I went to my 8 o’clock class or the one that follows. I really can’t tell you the last time I was there and cared about anything that was going on. Is that bad? I really want to go to class and be the greatness I believe myself to be, but I always leave empty. Like…What am I here for? …Why are the walls crumbling? …Why can I only on focus slightly obscure wall size map of the world? GARBAGE!

I’m hoping my professor doesn’t drop me from the classes. I’m doing well. I would be doing better if I went more often but such is life. I can’t help it if the classes don’t hold my attention. It’s not my fault and I try. I do all the work and still fell indifferent about everything that’s going on inside the classroom. I know it’s not me.

I won’t complain. I have a lot of work to do between now and the end of the semester. I always come out on top. The only question is how much sleep I will lose in the process. If I sleep at all next week it will be by the grace of God, because I know I have my work cut out for me.

Life on the other side of academics isn’t all that great either. The people around me just do the most. I don’t understand it. I can be the first person to admit that I don’t have all the answers. As much as I would like to believe that I do I. I don’t. I can’t force myself to realize other people’s rationale? I can only give you a few examples:

Example 1

If you cheat on your significant other with countless no name lames and then you break up, can you really be mad if they move on? Seriously?

Example 2

If you sleep with every person you meet and try to make them fall in love with you, can you really be mad if they treat you like the whore you portrayed yourself to be?

Again, this is in no way saying that I am perfect when it comes to matters of the heart. I am a self-proclaimed emotional cripple. I can’t sympathize with these people because I would never put myself in situations like this, but can you really expect me to understand where you’re coming from; because if I did understand I don’t think I’m the type of person you should be seeking advice from. But such is life. We live and learn; at least that’s what everyone keeps telling me…

 

Mr. Responsible,

 

KD