GoodBye 2008. The Shorter Sweeter Version.

I know that last one was kinda lenghty. Read it anyway or if your in a rush. Read this one. Its not as sad and its short…

Dear 2008,

You have gut punched me more than a 3^rd grade bully. I’ve let you torment me for months and I’ve stood there taking it, pretending to be stronger than I am. You were relentless and persistent in trying to make me crumble. You damn near succeeded. You have broken me in places I never knew existed, poured salt in wounds I’m still desperate to close, and caused me to cry over things I didn’t know I cared about, but I AM HERE. Despite what you threw at me, despite my lack of faith, despite myself.

2008 I hate you now. 2008 I could hate you forever. I wish I could say I was sad to see you go, but I will gladly help you pack. You can take your extra day and these feelings of darkness and disappear, you will not be missed. I will always carry your memories. In this blog, in a photo album, but you will not be missed.

I will celebrate your departure with all my might. Yes! There will be music. There will de dancing. There will be drinks, and when I awake the next day you will be gone, and new possibilities will be here.

Thank you 2008, because you were so horrible 2009 has no choice but to be amazing.

With love,

KD

 

 

I Get Out {Final Blog of 2008}

2008 is going to end the same way it started, with a kiss of depression and a hug of insomnia. So, while I’m excited for a new year and new possibilities, I am still weary and fear full as any semi-sane person should be. I’m going into 2009 carrying regrets heavy enough to crush me, heavy enough to leave me right where I don’t want to be. This past year has been a struggle, even when I’ve hid it behind witt or drinking, or facebook status updates, most days have been more of a struggle to get out of bed than you will ever understand. I let the world kick my ass.  I let whatever was holding me down win. I was not myself this year. I was this complacent person walking around aimlessly pretending not to notice that life was happening. In 2009 this complacency will have to die, and so will this laziness, this defensiveness and this fear of being an amazing smiling person filled to the brim with love of self and the world around.  The sad part is, as I sit back and read old postings I saw my world slipping away from me, clear as day, and I did nothing. I lied to myself. I told myself that by pushing forward, I would be ok, that everything would work it self out in the end. I was passive as hell. That has to die as well. I could have stopped this in April, or March, or that day that depression crept down my throat and Boy Scout knotted my stomach into vomit and tears. I could have done something then. I didn’t and I’m pissed at myself. I didn’t have to be here, and I know this is less about fate and more about being proactive. I could have played a bigger role in my own life, I didn’t have to let world dictate what I did or how I did it. I could have been the voice, the force that pushed me out. And I still have to be. I can’t quit. Quitting is death. I’m not there yet. I’m slowly waking up from this coma of complacency. Standing up, Being the adult that I need to be, not the one I pretend to be. 2009 will be the year of accepting responsibility. Fixing all that’s broken and mending it with tears and forgiveness, instead of empty promises and sideways smiles. 2009 will be a year of healing, of new beginnings. Whatever that means…  I will not be that person again. He dies. Right here and right now, and tomorrow I will party, dance, drink, cry and hug. And yes when January 1^st rolls around I will wake up the same person. This skins, these finger and toe nails, and this stiff ass knee, but I will not think nor walk the same.  I cannot sit back and watch opportunity and life sleep right out of my hands. I know it’s easier said than done, so I won’t call these resolutions. I’ll call them things that need to change if I want to survive and I do. I will. I have. I’ve mad it through another year, and I am so thankful for that. I thankful for this chance to reflect on opportunities not taken, and tears not cried, and relationships not mended.

Despite all my sadness and my need to change, there are things about this year that I am quite grateful/thankful for. I am thankful for the progresses I’ve made in of spite all of my short comings. This year I’ve dedicated myself to writing more, and I committed to it, and I’m proud of the out come.  The only thing I’ve committed to in years.  That’s a lie. I’ve committed myself to my friends and I’ve fell in love with each and every one of them all over again, and to them I owe so much. They’ve allowed me to love unconditionally again, and that’s something I never saw for myself again. I’m grateful for my family even when we refuse to accept our stubbornness, and fight and bicker to no end.  I’m grateful to my God because this year, I questions him, and cursed him, and damn near turned my back on him, and through it all he’s kept me. I know he has, and I believe it with every ounce of my soul. I’m still trying to figure this church and spirituality thing out. I’ll get there. And I accept my missing faith as part of some of the challenges that I faced this year. I’m thankful for my unsuspected semester away from school. It’s taught me how much I truly do value the opportunity to learn. It’s showed me the art of a real life adult hustle is more than I can handle right now. I have a greater respect for the people who roll out of bed every morning and go to a job that they hate. I did it for 3 months and hated it, it almost killed me. I cannot wait for this year to throw me head first into a classroom. I will be there. However, my time away from school allowed me to fall in love with reading and the smell of public libraries. I will continue to read as much as I can, whenever I can, because as English major that’s where I fall short, and my comma craziness.

As much as I hate dislike my life, I love it all the same.

If I hold out,

KD

Seeing yourself through someone else’s eyes

 

This is me broken
For months you’ve documented this spiral
Downward with flashbulbs and camera rolling
This is me broken
Same body you praised for hourglass
Now ridiculed as ticking time bomb
There will be no explosion
No million dollar video of rage and destruction
This is me broken
Soft disintegration of will and resolve
I am nothing but human
In this moment
Torn
In this moment
weak
In this moment
A girl who seeks ground soft enough
To sink into

This is me broken

If tears were found
Toxic enough to kill
I would gladly sell tickets
To my suicide

This is me broken
Crazy
insane
Scream it neon from headlines
Remove all empathy and compassion
From your tongue
Forget that I am maybe your daughter
Probably your sister
Often the you refused in the mirror
I am reflection of this need to build
And destroy

Maybe, when death comes
I will be remembered for
Something other than these moments
Origami folded into history
Beautiful and delicate
“Here lies Britney. She begged you to love her.”

Maybe then there will be some remorse
Melted and honey sweet in your mouth
Sing me a praise song
The girl who needed love in life
Fashioned it out of outburst
And fishnets
Or maybe, remember me for the boys
The babies I’m in need of too much
Mothering to mother
Remember me more than dismissed trailer trash
Or spoiled child star
More than this cliché of poor little lost rich girl

I am a woman who bleeds so often
I’ve forgotten what healing feels like

this is me broken

So when the end comes
Barreling down on you like
Expectation and disappointment
Remember me beautiful
Change the epitaph let it read:

Here lies Britney…
you used to love her.

- Bassey Ikpi

 

This poem is the only thing I could think of after watching the Britney Spears documentary. It was written a while ago, but it always stuck out me. I think it’s the story. I’ve never seen the picture it was written about but I imagine it invokes a feeling of pity.  It was the first time anyone made Britney more than just a thing, more than just the walk to class laugh, more than the “did you see what that crazy bitch did?” I read and I wanted to care, then I watched and I wanted to cry for her. I wanted to reach out to her and give her a hug. I wanted to be her friend, a confidant so all the hurt and lonely she had bottled up would be released in a healthy and productive way. Watching the documentary made me want Britney to win. I wanted to be in her corner; her cheering section. Now, I am by no means a fan of Britney’s music, and I don’t think that I will be inclined to listen, because I think it will save her sanity. This is not about the performer. This is about person and our overly judgmental society. It’s easy to point the finger and dictate what’s right and wrong and how things should be done, when you’re standing on the outside. Its also easy to do when the people who lift you up become your harshest critics and take the last bit of humanity and sanity you have. Its easy, when you’re standing on the outside, and I’m still on the outside, way outside.. It’s quite possible that I many never be close enough to that inner circle to make a difference. I’m ok with that actually, I’m quite glad. Britney doesn’t need my support, but I’m pretty sure there is a girl closer to me feeling almost the exact same way. The blues creeping their way around her neck, choking all the life from her, coercing her to do something drastic and irrational. I can be in her corner, her cheering section, her confidant and friend. hopefully, I can catch the bow before it breaks and save her months of years or pain and depression.

 

I guess all of this is to say, we have a responsibility to each other to look past circumstance and personal prejudices to see our common humanity, to see that we all just want to love and be loved without exception. Because in some strange way I think we are all one or two steps or bad relationships away from being Britney.

 

Your words become your actions,

 

KD

Real Soul Sundays

I need to start my week with a clear mind. Sunday is my day to release, relax, and reflect.

Anthony David and Inidia Arie

Eric Roberson

Hope

Floetry

…And LUTHER VANDROSS

I’m just need to take a few moments and allow myself to get wrapped up in the melody, the lyrics, just the soul of it all. Just a few moments to reflect. Even if I’m stressed out on Tuesday. I know that Sunday will be my release.  I don’t need to be stressed today. I won’t be. I will listen until my feet hit the ground lighter. Until I believe love is waiting at my front door. Or just until the song ends.

 

Be Easy,

 

KD

2007 can kiss my ass….

This year was full of ups and downs as each year has been but for some reason this one just felt different. It was the  intangible feeling of “what’s next” and not being afraid, but anxious, and looking at the glass like its about to overflow.  This year I learned, and lived, and laughed, and breathed, and cried, and shouted, then was silent and enjoyed it. I found true passion and creativity. I danced, and drank, then stumbled free. I understood and had clarity, followed by confusion. I learned to be wrong and a revel in right. I was judgmental. I’ve always been. Always will be. Just something I accepted. I was infatuated and frustrated and lonely and loved and lonely and loved and lusted and ecstasy and love and alone again. I found God and not religion. As they are two completely different things. I learned that forgiveness is necessary. Especially for self. I forgave my self for allowing the world to dictate the person I might have become. I forgave myself fearing the unknown and turning away from the one think I desperately needed.  I reevaluated friendships and family and finances and stability. Came to the conclusion  that they are not etched in stone. They should be fluid. Allow them in and out and accept it as necessary change. Hold them as a part of my world, yet never put them on a pedestal. Its never definite. It hurts more when you assume they will be. I could write for hours and days or weeks but some aspects of my life are just not worth sharing. Either because they are too personal or just plain boring. Now, Officially 2007 can kiss my black ass (I mean this in the nicest way possible). I only have to look forward to what this next year will bring. I will not greet it with unfulfilling new years resolutions.  I know myself better than that. I will promise to do more and do the opposite. So I hold no expectations for this year. I will deal with each day as it comes. Remaining true to the person I believe myself to be. Not wasting a moment with  second guessing or regret. Live. Live. Live. Like the song says “Each breath is blessed responsibility.”  The End.