Wide awake at 3 am(Slicker Than Your Average)

I haven’t been to sleep before 5 am in almost 2 weeks. Tonight I tried to make a conscious effort not to be up this late seeing as its the holiday and all. I guess we celebrate the Memorial Day. I know we put a flag on my grandfathers grave (to be honest I just found that out today). For me it usually means another unwanted family gathering. This year there won’t be.

I got my stimulus check from the gov’t. A whole $300 dollars to remind me that I am broke. I’m not complaining. Even thought I owed my mom half right off the top and the 60 that I owe to the saint. I guess in all things are starting to look up. Now if I could only find a job that would be amazing! Im going to stop being stubborn and call the grocery store. i know its not my dream job but it will pay the bills.

I need to call my dad. I should of done it yesterday when it was free. I’ll call eventually. Probably tomorrow. Its the holiday. I feel bad for not celebrating the holiday. Slightly un-American, but the check I cashed had lady liberty on it. That was kind of American.

Its 330 now. and I’m going to play a word association game with myself. Here we go.

Orange

loud

laughter

teeth

horses

peanut butter

apples

white

snow

pee

ammonia

cats

Chinese

general tso’s

red

hypnosis

left

forgotten

sanity

bubble wrap

stair cases

foil

soap

angels

outfield

flies

zippers

close

doors

closets

secretes

truth

deception

religion

mustard seed

calories

Atkins

baggy

bad breath

all that

Sunday

planters nuts

peach flowers

hair grease

polka dots

row homes

curse words

fire crackers

bird food

alka seltzer

car fire

dust

shed

monkeys

fights

lips

water fountains

grant hill

Redding middle

delorenzo

wizard of oz

broken television

string beans and corn

unwanted visitors

chocolate milk

lactose intolerant

first grade

cheating

Sparks

cow boy boots

gumby

cassette player

Nintendo

sleep over

scrabble

scrapple

wrestling

undertaker

death

purple

prince

skinny

baby

abortion

unplanned

vacation

stranded

night clubs

bar

ABC

cubic zirconium

old navy

vans

checkers

Baltimore

cheesecake

cherries

sundaes

spoiled mile

cows

skim

shit

chemistry

stretch Armstrong

gangly

rejection

ugly

curve

hip

shoulder

poetry

ink

confusion

beauty

flawed

track ball

cash

compulsive

credit cards

lil wayne

dark

Vegas

rats

hookers

txt messages

sex

crack house

condoms

voyeurism

porn

history

eagles

super stars

gypsies

deconstruction

project runway

weirdoes

Kara Saun

leather

bacon

rolls

paper towels

fight club

national geographic

titties

African

jungle

ivory

pearls

silver

Kirk Franklin

brain damage

tumors

cancer

cervix

hospitals

33

Jim Carey

grinch that stole Christmas

silent night

presents

greed

ring tones

party

natural ice

kiddie pool

digital camera

flash

gas station

Latin American

omelets

tequila

colors

London

hills

port

river front

 water

drown

sleep

insomnia

vampire

blade

black

silence

fan blade

on demand

sex and the city

blackberry

ok Im done. its 3:51 now. There was no real point to that. Its just more constructive that me sitting here in the dark pretending that Im going to sleep. Im still not tired. I miss cookout. I think that would be the answer to all my prayers. Fucking Hush puppies and a mint chocolate chip milkshake. maybe not? wont know till August.

Im done now,

 

KD

 

Insomnia and the cell phone…

I have horrible sleep patterns, like I walk the line between insomnia and insanity. And, I have a dreaded and often avoided 8 o’clock class. Which equals me having to trade my usual 3 or 4:30 bed time to something more along the lines of midnightish. Sounds easy enough, right? NOT EVEN. First, I have to fight with my need to procrastinate the necessary. Then, comes the restless tossing and turning. the feelings of hot and cold and thirsty and hunger and dotting my I’s and crossing the T’s. Anything to avoid sleep. I don’t know why I run from it. Sleep is good for the growing body. At least that’s what I hear. Then by some act of God, I actually get in bed and find myself in a state of rest and time is creeping to 2 a.m. That’s when the real bullshit starts. My death black and silent cubical of a room is filled with the raspy chanting of Mos Def and the Definition chorus. (oh, if I never hear that song again.) And if 24-hour quite didn’t stop me from screaming at the top of your lungs. I would curse who is on the other end of the line for-filth. The noise mixed the blaring white back light of the phone compels me to look. Even though common sense would tell me just to reach over and silence the damn thing. Or better yet, common sense would tell me to turn the fucker on silent before laying down to add to the million distractions I have already . But I do neither, and reach over to hear the voice on the other end. It usually starts with my voice sounding groggy and filled with peaceful sleep, which is really my deep seeded hate and irritation for the person on the other end. Then no matter who it is ask the same dumb ass question “Where you sleep?”. What the fuck??? No, but I was trying to, and now will not get to sleep for the next hour or three, because you want to talk my fucking ear off. Then I have to rediscover that point of rest that it took me so long to find in the first place. It’s really sad. Really Really Really sad. I know. But there is something worse than a 2 a.m. phone call when you have to get up at 7. Oh much worse. A FUCKING TEXT MESSAGE. Oh, those shits get on my nerves. Not only did I have to change my plan to supplement all the bullshit that I get, but they are an unnecessary distraction. Especially, when I need to be sleep. Like who really wants to read a long ass txt message in the middle of the night. The next person that decides to send me a chain letter at 3 a.m., should shoot themselves in the foot seriously. All this is just to say if you really love or even pretend to like me please don’t call me after 11:30. It would help tons. So even if I toss and turn and turn then toss. It will be of my own doing and not because I believe that If I turn my phone off I’ll miss doing something extremely important. The End

I won’t complain…

I won’t complain. Even though I feel the need to right now. It just won’t solve any of my problems. I wish it would. I wish I could. I don’t know what to do. I just don’t. I keep going because, I don’t have a choice. And that sermon still rings loudly. If I stayed there I would die, and I’m just not ready to accept death. Not yet. Not ever. I can’t do it. I just have to fight, and fight hard. What I really want to do right now, is cry. Cry my eyes blood shoot and weeping, just to breath again. I can’t force it, as much as I want to. I need to. There is just to much work. I cannot procrastinate anymore. I need to break away from ME. From them. I need to take control. I need to accept my role in all of this and FREE myself. That is the only way that I will move forward. But, I don’t want that. I’m just not ready to accept that maybe its all my fault. I just want to complain and blame someone else. Its easier. Right? I need to pray and be thankful. and thank him until I can’t thank Him any more. It’s hard, but necessary. I think? I don’t know. And now the tears come. Sit at the edge of my eye and I’m begging them to jump. Help me cleanse this helplessness. Allow me to start a new. I’m need peace of mind, or just peace for a second. Clarity. Quiet. Solution, where? I need one. I plead for one. Throw my self at the mercy of judge and jury. A new start, and I don’t really need a new one just a little help mending this one. Goodnight.