Ramble: When Crushes Cross the Line…

Last night I was having the dreaded only child conversation with my semi-new crush/fling or whatever you choose to call it. I got the same sigh and the pause where they start to think about all those negative only children qualities that they assume I have all in matter of seconds. It seems harmless, but I know how people’s perception of me changes very quickly right after the big reveal. I’m accustomed to it. I have my standard I’m not spoiled and I know how to share speech all prepared.

I remember during my freshman year of college I would lie and tell people that I had an older sister; which I do. So, it’s not a complete lie but I don’t know her that well and can count on one hand with 2 fingers left over how many times we’ve actually shared the same space. I can’t even tell you her birthday. I know that’s she’s maybe 10 to 12 years older than me, has a husband and two small children, and lives about 20 minuets away from me. That is the start and end of our relationship. I’m fine with that.

Ok, I decided to take the high road and tell my crush/fling/whatever the truth.

Me: Well, I do have a sister. I just don’t know her at all, so I tell people that I’m an only child.
Crush: that’s hella rude.
Me: how so?
Crush: If I had a sister, I would acknowledge her even if I didn’t know her.
Me: What’s the point? She could be the mail lady for all I really know.
Crush: well you should try to get to know her.
Me; Why? I would have time to get to know her if I wasn’t busy trying to get to know you.
Crush: maybe you like the idea of being an only child because it gives you a green light to be an asshole.
Me: Maybe….

Then there was another long drawn out pause, this time it was the one where everyone had an attitude but didn’t want to be the first to hang up. Thank God my best friend was on the other line.

I was upset and said crush/fling/whatever for a second because I was sharing which is a hard thing for me to do in the first place. I wasn’t asking for any advice on my relationship matters. Then I sat and thought (big mistake).

I wondered if denying my sister is my own selfish way of remaining an only child?

It couldn’t be. If I claimed her or not, I would still be my mother’s only child. I don’t get it.

I’ve always wished for siblings but not this way. I think about our age it would be impossible to start a relationship that should have been fostered since birth. I don’t feel responsible for her. Not the way I’ve seen other siblings do it, and I know each relationship is different but even so. We have no roots, no tree, hell we don’t even have dirt, just the same shared genes.

Was my crush right, should I invest in a relationship with my sister?

Or…

Was my crush/fling/whatever being a nosey asshole? Was my way ok because it was working for me? Should I just go on as I am?

I hate when people throw me off my game!

Still at work and hating it and confused,

KD

Social Activism and the Buzzing BlackBerry

Today is World Aids Day. Yup, December 1, 2008. I am urging all my readers (all 5 of you),my friends and family members that are sexually active to go out and get tested, and do it regularly, not just once a year when they have huge sings and give away free shit. It’s your life, take responsibility for it. I DID and it didn’t even hurt.

And if you want to know…I passed J …or I don’t have HIV or AIDS.

http://www.worldaidscampaign.org/static/en/

That ends the PSA portion of today’s post. Sorry for the double post today. Sorry for all the sappiness. I promise to get back to the old me (whatever that means) in a few short moments….

Ok…

So, I was talking to someone over the summer. Or more like they kept making dates and I kept breaking them. To be completely honest, I just wasn’t interested, and just needed someone to txt when I was bored. Mission Accomplished. When we stopped talking, I was pretty sure that was the end of it. For all they knew I was going back to NC for school and they were staying here to do whatever the hell it was that they did, but as life a is crafty bitch, I didn’t go back. And I’ve been REALLY SINGLE this entire time. Not lonely (maybe a little), but REALLY SINGLE. Not even a prospective booty call. Then I get this random ass Thanksgiving text that I just had to respond to, and now I’m getting textstalked by this LOONEY!!! WHY ME??? Like I was being nice, even though I’m still not extremely attracted to them at all, I respond to text messages when I receive them, but I never initiate; NEVER. I’m cool with texting. There is no harm. But GOD DAMNIT, If I don’t respond to one text message that doesn’t mean blow up my inbox with a bunch of stupid shit. I AM TO ORANGE FOR THAT!!! I don’t need you to stress me. I don’t like you enough for you to stress me! And yes, my motives for entertaining you are a bit selfish, but is this really the price I have to pay. BEING STALKED???REALLY??? If it is, return to sender, and I’ll spend my time updating my facebook status. At least I’m good at that.

 

IRKED,

 

KD

 

Rent Controlled Apartments and Marbarol Lights…

I’m going for a world record for post in one night. I really am about to go to sleep. I just wanted to share this. I wanted to write this first but I debated back and forth for hours about the right way to go about this. There is no right way. Let me just say that this did happen to me. I am living this right now. It may come across mean spirited, but its not. Its a rant only slightly structured. Comment if you must. Just be gentle….

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Would you talk to someone who told you that they had an STD.? I mean how do you really handle that? I’m all for not disclosing too much information about past relationships. I don’t need to know dates, places, or kinky places you fucked. It’s just not necessary, under normal circumstance. Again, I know that with dating nothing is as easy as 2+2. Maybe your last love was a chronic cheater; maybe you dated a club head. Or just maybe you caught the herpes when you were 15 and have been living with it for 10 years, without medication.

How am I supposed to react? After the dramatic build up, “I have something to tell you and I don’t know how you will react.” Do you want me to invite you over for cookies and maybe some foreplay?  I don’t understand and the fact that you are not currently treating your condition that never really goes away. I do watch television. I know about Valtrex! Why don’t you? And if you do, why aren’t you on it?

A more important question…Who slept with you? How many times? Do you tell everyone? Was I special?

Not saying that having an STD is signing your death wish. You might find love. I guess you still deserve it. Everyone makes mistakes. I’ve made mistakes. I have more to make, but none of them involve consciously endangering the well being of someone I might have feelings for or even respect on the slightest of levels.

Talk about confused.

The answer should be clear. Go get some help, then maybe we can kiss and even that’s a bit of a stretch.

I guess the sad part is the herpes is not the worst part! It’s the fact that people walk around with these conditions and just don’t choose to take care of them.

It would be all the same if instead of herpes it was a child and you just forgot to feed or change or nurture it. Your mistakes are always fixable. There is always room to mend anywhere there is a tear.

The fact that you left this tear as is allowed it to open, and somehow you expect me to fall into it open heartedly. You got me fucked up. REAL FUCKED UP!

I love the person you are and the possibility of what could be, and your honesty is honorable. I don’t know how I would go about making a confession to someone I was romantically pursing. But it doesn’t change that fact that your honesty cannot cover up your blatant ignorance.

GROW UP!

GO TO THE DOCTOR!

STOP PRETENDING LIKE YOU CAN’T BE THE OUTBREAK MONKEY! MONKEY!

THEN WE CAN TALK

 

A real rock and a hard place,

 

KD

 

 

 

Throw me for a loop

I’m skeptical about everything when it comes to relationships,  I’m one of those people who likes to move fast but not to fast, and slow but not to slow. Plus, I hate for people to get all emotionally attached; that’s a huge turn off. I think that if you really missed or cared about me you wouldn’t have to say it constantly through txt messages, I would just know. Right? Notice that I didn’t say anything about LOVE! Any who…What do you do when you meet the person who does all these things right. They call at great times. Leave messages but not to many and avoid all those cliché miss you boo text messages that you hate. I mean its really right, but you still find it hard to trust them. Should I listen to my gut? (Don’t trust them its to perfect) or Am I thinking to much into it? Am I possibly screwing my self out of something I’ve waited for sooo long? What am I to do? If one of my friends were in my same situation I would probably advise them to trust their gut, but for this one I wouldn’t mind being sucker punched by this emotion just to see if this possibility is more than just the end of the semester gotta get some booty blues, and I really get some booty. I think it would be great! It would be great. It would relieve some of this extra stress.

 

Being myself,

 

KD

 

42 St. Happenstance

At first I thought I was crazy. Like I was seeing things that weren’t there…you know those invisible hints that people only ignore when they’re not happening to them…yeah I’m pretty sure that I’m not that crazy. This is happening. I swear it is or God is playing a really cruel and unfunny joke. I know I haven’t slept in like two days but still I am pretty aware. I know that the sun is shinning and I’m breathing. So, this is happening and I don’t even know how to act. Should I smile? Frown? Act indifferent? Can someone please interject and tell me how adults are supposed to act during this “courting process”. This is foreign to me, really foreign, Like I’m lost in Botswana or some other place where English is not the native tongue. Is there no song or story that I can use as a reference… Please someone help. I kind of don’t want to mess whatever this strange sort of there but not there flirting is. I know I will. It’s my curse.

 

And would it kill some to let me get laid…or at least a lay worth remembering… Please and Thank You…

I cant even explain,

KD