Real Soul Sundays On Tuesday…

Just because I was hung over Sunday.

Enjoy,

KD

Chrisette Michele

Best Of Me…

Chrisette Michelle – Be Ok…

Love Is You…

GoodBye 2008. The Shorter Sweeter Version.

I know that last one was kinda lenghty. Read it anyway or if your in a rush. Read this one. Its not as sad and its short…

Dear 2008,

You have gut punched me more than a 3^rd grade bully. I’ve let you torment me for months and I’ve stood there taking it, pretending to be stronger than I am. You were relentless and persistent in trying to make me crumble. You damn near succeeded. You have broken me in places I never knew existed, poured salt in wounds I’m still desperate to close, and caused me to cry over things I didn’t know I cared about, but I AM HERE. Despite what you threw at me, despite my lack of faith, despite myself.

2008 I hate you now. 2008 I could hate you forever. I wish I could say I was sad to see you go, but I will gladly help you pack. You can take your extra day and these feelings of darkness and disappear, you will not be missed. I will always carry your memories. In this blog, in a photo album, but you will not be missed.

I will celebrate your departure with all my might. Yes! There will be music. There will de dancing. There will be drinks, and when I awake the next day you will be gone, and new possibilities will be here.

Thank you 2008, because you were so horrible 2009 has no choice but to be amazing.

With love,

KD

 

 

I Get Out {Final Blog of 2008}

2008 is going to end the same way it started, with a kiss of depression and a hug of insomnia. So, while I’m excited for a new year and new possibilities, I am still weary and fear full as any semi-sane person should be. I’m going into 2009 carrying regrets heavy enough to crush me, heavy enough to leave me right where I don’t want to be. This past year has been a struggle, even when I’ve hid it behind witt or drinking, or facebook status updates, most days have been more of a struggle to get out of bed than you will ever understand. I let the world kick my ass.  I let whatever was holding me down win. I was not myself this year. I was this complacent person walking around aimlessly pretending not to notice that life was happening. In 2009 this complacency will have to die, and so will this laziness, this defensiveness and this fear of being an amazing smiling person filled to the brim with love of self and the world around.  The sad part is, as I sit back and read old postings I saw my world slipping away from me, clear as day, and I did nothing. I lied to myself. I told myself that by pushing forward, I would be ok, that everything would work it self out in the end. I was passive as hell. That has to die as well. I could have stopped this in April, or March, or that day that depression crept down my throat and Boy Scout knotted my stomach into vomit and tears. I could have done something then. I didn’t and I’m pissed at myself. I didn’t have to be here, and I know this is less about fate and more about being proactive. I could have played a bigger role in my own life, I didn’t have to let world dictate what I did or how I did it. I could have been the voice, the force that pushed me out. And I still have to be. I can’t quit. Quitting is death. I’m not there yet. I’m slowly waking up from this coma of complacency. Standing up, Being the adult that I need to be, not the one I pretend to be. 2009 will be the year of accepting responsibility. Fixing all that’s broken and mending it with tears and forgiveness, instead of empty promises and sideways smiles. 2009 will be a year of healing, of new beginnings. Whatever that means…  I will not be that person again. He dies. Right here and right now, and tomorrow I will party, dance, drink, cry and hug. And yes when January 1^st rolls around I will wake up the same person. This skins, these finger and toe nails, and this stiff ass knee, but I will not think nor walk the same.  I cannot sit back and watch opportunity and life sleep right out of my hands. I know it’s easier said than done, so I won’t call these resolutions. I’ll call them things that need to change if I want to survive and I do. I will. I have. I’ve mad it through another year, and I am so thankful for that. I thankful for this chance to reflect on opportunities not taken, and tears not cried, and relationships not mended.

Despite all my sadness and my need to change, there are things about this year that I am quite grateful/thankful for. I am thankful for the progresses I’ve made in of spite all of my short comings. This year I’ve dedicated myself to writing more, and I committed to it, and I’m proud of the out come.  The only thing I’ve committed to in years.  That’s a lie. I’ve committed myself to my friends and I’ve fell in love with each and every one of them all over again, and to them I owe so much. They’ve allowed me to love unconditionally again, and that’s something I never saw for myself again. I’m grateful for my family even when we refuse to accept our stubbornness, and fight and bicker to no end.  I’m grateful to my God because this year, I questions him, and cursed him, and damn near turned my back on him, and through it all he’s kept me. I know he has, and I believe it with every ounce of my soul. I’m still trying to figure this church and spirituality thing out. I’ll get there. And I accept my missing faith as part of some of the challenges that I faced this year. I’m thankful for my unsuspected semester away from school. It’s taught me how much I truly do value the opportunity to learn. It’s showed me the art of a real life adult hustle is more than I can handle right now. I have a greater respect for the people who roll out of bed every morning and go to a job that they hate. I did it for 3 months and hated it, it almost killed me. I cannot wait for this year to throw me head first into a classroom. I will be there. However, my time away from school allowed me to fall in love with reading and the smell of public libraries. I will continue to read as much as I can, whenever I can, because as English major that’s where I fall short, and my comma craziness.

As much as I hate dislike my life, I love it all the same.

If I hold out,

KD

Serious Question…

How many times can you go out to a bar during the week before you are considered a lush????

Think about it….

Looks better from afar…

So the cardigan I ordered for Christmas. It doesn’t look the same in person. It actually makes me look quite Lame…which isn’t the look I was going for. I was going for a hip hop Gatsby (because he was black). If you don’t know who Gatsby is look it up. Anyway. That’s my biggest problem with internet shopping, and I love internet shopping. I mean the sweater looks like the picture same color, but it looks much more modern in the pictures and thats just not the case. The cable knit is soooo Mr. Rodgers. I mean there isnt a lot that you can do with a cable knit sweater. Its meant for a more mature look, but mature late 20’s mature, not late 60’s. I guess I should know better.  I had to order another cardigan because I want one and  I can’t just wear that sweater becasue its here.. Its New Years Eve. Freshness is a must.

So this is the new sweater is purple. I’m not a big fan of purple. I think I wore it once to my uncles wedding back in 2005. I looked good it in, but I think I look good in everything. Sometimes. Anyway, I bought this cardigan from the same website and had to pay to have it Overnighted. 30.95…ain’t that some shit. I hope its worth it.  There should be any surprises  I wear LRG all the time, I know how thier clothes fit and the desing is pretty simple.

I did see a cardigan at Macy’s that I could wear but its hella expensive and I don’t have dough to throw around like that. I wish I did.

Speaking of dough. I finally got my paycheck and no longer have to deal with the crooked ass preacher. Amen!

I’m putting pictures of the new sweater below. I don’t know what I’m going to pair it with but….

Also, excuse the funny looking model with the weird mouth. He’s just really popular on the website that I shop from occasionally.

 

Fly as I wanna be,

 

KD